For some reason experiencing Christmas while dealing with infertility is very rough. I’m constantly thinking and reminded of my desire for children all throughout the year, but Christmas is especially hard.
This is our 3rd Christmas hoping and wanting to be parents. Every year I’ve thought that surely by next Christmas we will be expecting or will have a new family member to celebrate with. I’ve been good about distracting myself from infertility the last couple months since finding out I got in to PA school, but as Christmas approaches I’ve been feeling down.
To be honest, I really wish when starting this blog I would have kept it 100% anonymous. There are many things I’d love to write about that would just be hurtful to friends and family reading them. I haven’t publicly posted this blog on Facebook, but have given the URL out to my immediate family and close friends. As much as I try to be honest with people, there are some things you just don’t want to say. I am genuinely, truly excited for my friends and family that have told me they’re expecting, but while I’m happy for you, I’m devastated for me. I know that sounds selfish. It doesn’t mean I’m not happy for the big news, because I really am. It’s just hard to want something so bad and not be able to have it.
Baby showers are complete and total torture. Thankfully, I’ve only had to attend a handful while in our infertility journey. I was also asked to host one for a friend (which I did, reluctantly). And trust me, it’s not that I didn’t want to be a part of the celebration. It’s just very hard to be holding back tears while everyone is watching a friend open tiny, adorable clothes and offering advice to the mom-to-be. I can’t even walk by the baby aisle in Target without getting a lump in my throat.
I despise hearing from well-intentioned people that are truly just trying to be helpful tell me phrases like “Just relax, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to” or “If you stop trying, you’ll get pregnant right away” or “Stop thinking about it and it will happen”. I know in my heart that this advice is not meant to be hurtful. But it still is. And the thing is – it is highly unlikely that Joseph and I will conceive without fertility treatment. It’s possible, of course, but highly unlikely.
This Christmas season, I’m feeling especially down because I am mourning the end of fertility treatments (for now). While Joseph and I won’t be preventing a pregnancy while I’m in school, we won’t be pursuing any fertility treatments either. This has been so hard to swallow. I really am excited to go back to school and to be working toward my dream career. But with that comes a pause in something I want even more than a successful career – a family.
We’ve had many friends and family encourage us to look into adoption. This has always been the plan for us, regardless of our ability to have biological children. I’ve been looking more into fostering and I’m realizing it’s something I would love for us to do. So for now, I’ve been trying to be content with getting through school, and after getting settled into a job to start the process of fostering or adopting. And to just kind of see what happens in regards to having biological children.
We’ll see. That’s where I’m at right now. Excited for school, but sad at the thought of putting children on hold. Trying to be content with taking a break.
Renée's Rambling 
We’ve dealt with those as well ( infertility treatments as well as the adoption process) and both are heartbreaking, expensive, and time-consuming. I would highly recommend starting the early bits of the adoption process now even while you’re trying to have a baby biologically, as there are so many and bits of paperwork you have to do for adoption. Most agencies require that you go to an informational meeting first, and then complete 10 to 20 hours of training… this is all before a home study or anything else. It sounds funny but the bonus to having these first steps done is that they help distract you from the biological struggles of trying to have a baby, as you feel like you’re at least making progress towards bringing a child home, plus it’s the least expensive part of the process ( so if you were to get pregnant you could at least put the adoption stuff on hold while having the preliminary work done towards it). Just some food for thought as we infertiles all deal with the crap that is the holidays. I’m sorry we’re both part of this club 😦
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Praying for you sweet lady. You are a beautiful soul. I know God has you in his arms and will do wonderful things for you and through you. You make me proud and I am so grateful you are part of our family!
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I’m sorry you have to put things on hold in terms of trying for a family. I also find friend’s pregnancy announcements can be really hard. Of course you are happy for them but it reminds you of what you don’t have. I have also had people tell me to “just relax” and “not think about it” and man, that drives me so mad! Just because it may have worked for one couple they know does not mean that will work for everyone! Wishing you a lovely Christmas season and all the best for 2017!
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